Sta.sh
sinking,
faster,
faster,
lower,
l
o
w
e
r.
angels can be born from n o t h i n g;
my sinuses are clogged with summer
cold and, despite how i try to
stop it, the smoke filling the air makes
it's solemn way inside my lungs making
me choke and cough and splutter.
you liked to smoke around me, because
your parents would not let you smoke
inside the house, or around them.
you'd call me and we would agree to meet
at the little park on the corner that had
children's play equipment scattered about,
in faded colours and decaying memories.
you said i should try it some time, smoking.
i had always been a little curious about
how it must feel to have smoke whirling
inside of you, and settling in your lungs.
turning them b l a c k
placing the thin cylinder of paper and
tobacco and chemicals between my lips,
i could feel the adrenaline rush of trying
something new and dangerous and
totally against the rules. you lit it
for me, i watched the lighter spark
in front of my eyes and i imagined there;
a miniature firework display.
r
e
h
you liked weed, you said it gave you a good g
high when you bought the high quality stuff. i
i'd sit there and watch you getting higher and h
then i'd feel alone. sitting by myself in the corner
of our park while you smoked and drank with
your friends. though i don't believe they were
really your friends, just people you inhailed
smoke with. just people you drank alcohol with
everytime i tried to get up and leave my
mouldy corner of the park, you'd see me
and come stumbling over towards me.
putting your hands all over my body in
a way that made me feel dirty and insecure.
you'd take me over to your group sitting
on the swings and slides. they would
make comments about me and you
and us, they would hand me a bottle
of drink and a cigarette in an expectant
way. maybe so i would join them.
but i wasn't going to join them, i
just wanted you and your smokey
clothes and your old, tipex-ed trainers.
p
i wanted the way we used to be back, u
before you met them, before the parks p
full of primary colours and memories. u
when we'd get high on happiness alone p
running and jumping and flying u
not spending your nights heaving in the
corner of my bathroom by the toilet.
loving and not leaving.
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